i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
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I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
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We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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