I didn't shave. On purpose
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
