man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
