Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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