my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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