I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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