I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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