I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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