what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
