god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
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Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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