I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
