Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.