So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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