if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
