I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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