My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
