Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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