so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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