I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
