I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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