oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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