I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
