Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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