sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
