we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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