just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
