It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
