Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!