Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
