I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
