She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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