I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
