$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
