I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
