Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
