Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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