I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
