I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
