i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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