I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
