I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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