i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
