wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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