She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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