I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
