i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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