# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
