I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
