i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
