I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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