Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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