I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
