I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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